Thursday, August 28, 2008
LAUGHTER: THE BEST MEDICINE
i had been asked to give an estimate for some exterior painting at a grand old property in an up market part of town. the lady of the house invited me round to discuss it.
she sat me down, re-read the quote with a stern look on her face the said, " we would like you to undertake the work. however, there are items i must insist you do in your own time and at your own expense."
what's wrong ? i thought. have i over priced something?
she passed me the estimate. one of the lines, heavily underlined with red pen, read, "to wash and rub down all widows front and back."
"my husband is obsessed with his mother," a woman conplained to a friend.
"he visits her three times a day, rings her five times and even talks to her in his sleep."
"i think i know how to get him more interested in you," said the friend. "buy some sexy black lingerie, black stockings and black gloves."
the women took this advice and stood at the bedroom doorway as her husband came home that night. he looked at her and shrieked, " why are you dressed in black? OH NO! MY MOTHER HAS DIED!"
Bill and Sarah were having trouble with their memories, so they began writing things down. one day Sarah said to Bill, "would you mind getting me some ice cream?"
"no problem," Bill said, heading to the kitchen.
"you'd better write it down, or you'll forget," Sarah called after him.
"no, i won't," Bill replied. "it's ice cream. how hard can it be to remember that?"
a few minutes later Bill walked back into the lounge room carrying a tray with eggs, coffee, cereal and orange juice. Sarah sighed. "BILL I TOLD YOU TO WRITE IT DOWN!," she said. "NOW LOOK - YOU'VE FORGOTTEN THE TOAST."
Two lawyers walked into the office one Monday morning talking about their weekends. "I got a dog for my kids this weekend," said one.
The other attorney replied, "Good trade."
A young women was decribing her date to a friend. "After dinner he wanted to come back to my apartment, but i refused," she said. "I told him my mother would worry if i did anything like that."
"then what happened?" asked her friend.
"He kept insisting, and i kep refusing," the young women replied.
"he did't weaken your redolve, did he? the friend asked.
"Not a bit. In the end, we went back to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
Did you hear about the comedian who incorporated himself?
He became a laughing stock.
"This morning i woke up feeling so bad that i tried to end it all by taking a thousand aspirins," said John
"oh really, what happened?" inquired Steve, concerned.
"After the first two, i felt better," replied John
Winthrop found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: " Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was after one o'clock by the time he arrived at the designated meeting plot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?"
"Give me a break!" said Winthrop, pointing to his scorecards. "I'm a 27 handicap."
By the time the morning service was to begin, only one man was in the church.
The minister said to him, "It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should i preach the sermon?"
The man replied, "When i go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it."
The minister took that as yes, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour long sermon. At the end, he asked the man what he thought.
His answer: "When i go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I don't give it the whole Bucket!"
Farmer Joe is suing z trucking company over injuries he suffered in an car accident.
The company's lawyer begins his cross examination. "I's it true that at the accident scene you said, "I'm fine"?
"Let me explain," pleads the farmer. "I had loaded my mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road when his truck crashed into us. I was hurt bad. When the policeman came on the scene, he heard Bessie moaning. He took one look at her, pulled out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
"Then he walked over to me with his gun and asked, "Your mule was in such a bad shape i had to shoot her. How are you?"
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